I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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