he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
that may or may not have been my penis.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
