So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
