she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
