You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
