is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
