i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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