I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
