How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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