I want to make a zoo with you.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
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did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
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OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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