Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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