Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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