I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
