New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
