he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
