No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
