Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
