I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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