saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
