so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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