good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
