His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
