True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
