if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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