DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just took my morning after pill in the library
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
