My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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