Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize