You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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