My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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