i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
