quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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