It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
