hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
