I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize