I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
