Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
