you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
