he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
