if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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