thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website