I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.