I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
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tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Okay so I just had a really great idea