Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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