how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
