swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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