Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
