shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
