mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
