We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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