Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
