question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
