You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
