You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct