ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants