Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle