Texts From Last Night

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  (618): View more from Illinois

  he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.

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  (618): he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever. http://tfl.nu/csmh
  Replies (14) Good night (4789) Bad night (633)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.

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  (847): I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see. http://tfl.nu/6fwn
  Replies (52) Good night (5196) Bad night (1320)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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  (417): My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/opsu
  Replies (14) Good night (1089) Bad night (7807)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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  (303): This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now. http://tfl.nu/jc3w
  Replies (25) Good night (1391) Bad night (5048)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

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  (630): Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila. http://tfl.nu/cfz3
  Replies (26) Good night (5102) Bad night (2002)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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  (757): Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions http://tfl.nu/0uvp
  Replies (6) Good night (3397) Bad night (994)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
  Replies (56) Good night (16294) Bad night (1503)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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  (208): I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind. http://tfl.nu/h3pw
  Replies (8) Good night (5152) Bad night (988)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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  (724): Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face. (1-724): Not the worst first impression I've experienced. http://tfl.nu/reln
  Replies (3) Good night (692) Bad night (325)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!

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  (404): It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff! http://tfl.nu/0n5x
  Replies (5) Good night (797) Bad night (333)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.

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  (215): tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours. http://tfl.nu/k3ze
  Replies (9) Good night (1119) Bad night (334)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard

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  (203): Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard http://tfl.nu/pmzn
  Replies (0) Good night (749) Bad night (326)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.

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  (618): I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat. http://tfl.nu/8lem
  Replies (2) Good night (686) Bad night (371)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you

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  (816): If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you http://tfl.nu/tk9b
  Replies (3) Good night (582) Bad night (177)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old

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  (713): haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old http://tfl.nu/ipmn
  Replies (1) Good night (293) Bad night (278)

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