im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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