clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
