You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
